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An A-Ha moment…

I learned something new today…about myself.  I had a brief and memorable A-Ha moment.  I will let you in on it in one moment but let me start at the beginning.

I have two teenage daughters.  Two…at the same time.  They happen to only be 16 months apart.  So it seems that between them and me, there are a lot of hormones and emotions running through this house at all times.  I will openly admit that I play a factor in there as well!  🙂  Anyway, if you have a teenage daughter you will know that many days are filled with laughing and crying.  Days filled with anger and sadness quickly get replaced with joy and elation.  That is just the way it is.  These little girls that we have encouraged and praised for 16 years get into high school and get jolted into a whole new reality.  At home, we still try to do what we have always done, but they are not as receptive anymore.  They are big girls now, they want independence and trust.  They want freedom to carve their own way.  And that is what we want too….right???  I know that deep down that is what every mother wants but I didn’t realize until a few months ago that in order for that to happen…I had to change.  Taylor was 17 and in her own way was trying to break out on her own a bit.  I was fighting her on every turn, trying to keep things the same.  In turn, she was fighting me and our household was upside down. 

It was then that I realized that as she evolved, I was going to have to evolve too.  I was not about to let her take the reins completely, but I had to loosen them enough to let her live and to let her make her own mistakes.  I always felt at her age that my parents were very strict and I always felt like I didn’t make my mistakes until I left home.  Then the problem was that I was making mistakes and had no one to support me and help me when I needed it.  I want my girls to feel like it is ok to make some mistakes and that I will still be here to help them if they need it.  Then maybe when they pack their bags up and head out the door, they will have a better understanding of real life.  I hope.  It was amazing for me to see what happened when I realized this.  I let her take some more control over her own life and things just fell back into place.  If I would have only realized that when the fighting started! 

Now my revelation…I wondered if a greater power was at work for those months of fighting.  Was something trying to prepare me for when she had to move out?  Was I going to be a wreck?  Did her behaviour want me to make her move out and not miss her??  And then I realized…she is moving out…I am going to miss her terribly.  It doesn’t matter how much she fights me or how bad of a day we are having…there are so many good days, it doesn’t matter.  She is my heart. 

This will always be my oldest girl, the one who read at 3.  The girl who wrote her name on the wall when she was 3 and tried to blame her one year old sister.  The one who would sit with me while Daniele napped for 3 hours and color.  The girl who got stuffed animals and named them things like puppy and big monkey.  Who has always loved every animal in her life unconditionally.  Who would give her sister horsey rides even though Daniele was almost always bigger than her.  The girl who loved to do my hair in barrettes and pigtails and now wants to be a hair stylist!  I will miss this girl with all my heart.